Book

Delia

Poem

Breakfast Time

Running Away

Coming Out

Dear Boston,

First may I say how much I admire your decision to change your surname from Goldman to Goldperson. In these times when so many women are renouncing their feminist principles, it is heartening to know that you still carry the flame.

Now for the bad news. It has become apparent to me that I will be unable to meet my latest deadline of November 1st for the delivery of Offally Good! - The Book!. Family matters have occupied my time and attention to the detriment of my creative impulse.

In your role as agent's assistant will you please break the news to Arthur Stoat of Stoat Books Ltd. I will, of course, return my advance of £250, though I will need to give one month's notice to my bank or risk losing the accumulated interest. I hope to see you when I am next in London. I am slightly concerned that Birdwatching and The White Van remain unsold despite their obvious mass-market appeal.

Yours,

A. Mole

June 30th 1987

Dear Baz,

It's some months since I wrote to you I know but I've been very busy with my opus, 'Tadpole', which I am hoping to get published either in The Literary Review or The Leicester Mercury, whichever pays the most. 'Tadpole' is the story-in-rhyme of a tadpole's difficult journey to froghood. It is 10,000 words in length so far and the tadpole in question is still in the canal squirming about. So, Baz, as a fellow poet, you can see my problem. All my waking hours - apart from those in the stinking library where I am forced to earn my living - are spent writing. I care nothing for food or rest or taking hot baths. I haven't changed my clothes in months (apart from socks and underpants); what care I for the outward trappings of petit bourgeois society?

There have been complaints at work about my appearance: Mr Nuggett, Deputy Librarian, said yesterday, 'Mole, I am giving you the afternoon off. Go home, bathe, wash your hair and change into clean clothes!'

I replied (with dignity), 'Mr Nuggett, would you have spoken to Byron, Ted Hughes, or Larkin as you've just spoken to me?' He was dumbfounded. All he could think to say eventually was 'You used the wrong tense as far as Ted Hughes is concerned, because, unless there has been a tragic accident or a sudden illness, I believe Mr Hughes to be most vigorously alive.'

What a pedant!

Your poem 'Banged Up' was quite nice. Must stop now, 'The Tadpole' calls.

Hey ho.

A. Mole

P.S. Cindy has called the baby Carlsburg.

Dear Sir,

I wish to convey to you my congratulations on your new programme Breakfast Time. I saw the first episode and I thought it was a remarkable achievement considering. However, me and my fellow pupils were late for school, due to the late opening of the champagne.

Either this shows a flagrant disregard for your teenage audience, or a woeful ignorance on your part, of the time I and my cohorts have to arrive at school in the morning.

I suggest, Sir, that you do your research rather more thoroughly. Finally can I make a plea that in future episodes, any special items ie Ernest Hemingway chatting about his latest book, or Princess Diana having her horoscope read, will take place before 8.30 a.m. (except on Fridays when we don't have assembly).

Thanking you in anticipation of a reply,

Your most obedient servant,

A. Mole (aged 15 and 9 months)